It’s all in the mind

The border into West Sussex has been left unguarded, so I slip across to see mum. I’m starting to look out for any signs that her brain isn’t as sharp as it once was. Not that she’s given me any immediate cause for concern; it’s just that some of her contemporaries are suffering from assorted memory-related conditions. But how can I check whether she has an active mind?

When I arrive at mum’s house, I knock at the back door and walk in. I call out “hello”. She replies “I’m busy threading a needle with invisible cotton.” Oh dear. Is this an early sign? Is she preparing to make a new suit for the emperor? I breathe a sign of relief when I see the reel of transparent thread. She’s not lost the plot, she’s repairing some clothing.

I shouldn’t really worry. Mum’s not shown any signs of slowing down. Certainly not when she’s in the car, anyway. If you’re in anything less powerful than a Bugatti Veyron, she’ll leave you standing at the traffic lights. All this in a curiously tall vehicle that’s powered by a modified hairdryer.

But the real reassurance comes when we start talking. Mum’s been watching television coverage of Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge visiting New Zealand. More specifically, she’s been watching young Prince George. She’s been suitably entertained, which is exactly as it should be. Apparently the Royal Family costs each of us 57p a year to maintain, so mum’s getting good value for money. One of her friends, however, has been critical. As a result, mum isn’t happy.

“She said little George should have been wrapped up warm when he came off that plane”, reports mum. “And he should have been wearing a hat to protect him from the sun.” The inconsistency has annoyed her as much as the denigration of Kate’s parenting skills.

There is, however, worse to come. “She’s been going on about that gay marriage, too. She says it means that brothers and sisters could end up marrying each other.” I struggle to make any sense of this statement. Fortunately mum’s been given an explanation. “She said gay couples could adopt children without knowing their backgrounds, so they could be brother and sister without realising, and then those children might get married.” Mum wasn’t having any of this nonsense. “I told them it was rubbish. Anyway, that Elton John and his partner have adopted two boys, so that couldn’t happen to them.”

“You should tell her it could now, mum. Now that the law’s changed. Two men can get married.” Mum smiles. It’s not a benign parental smile. It’s the smile of a mother who’s looking to cause trouble when she sees her friend again. Is it possible to have a mind that’s too active?

First published on Viva Lewes 10th April 2014: www.vivalewes.com

Kate Middleton and the iPhone 5

I need to finish a piece of work in the next couple of hours. I’m working from home, which means I’m already being disrupted by the ongoing remodelling of our kitchen and the occasional disappearance of mains electricity as part of that process.

Worse still, having no electrical power cuts my internet connection off. Our resident teenager is taking it particularly hard. “It’s like the end of the world”, he says through mouthfuls of sausage roll. Eating is the only offline activity he can think of at the moment.

However, this cloud has a silver lining. Losing my internet connection creates fewer distractions.

Distractions like checking Google for the latest news. It tells me that Kate Middleton and the new iPhone 5 are currently trending. This apparently means they’re both immensely important to many people.

The most obvious difference between the iPhone 5 and Apple’s previous phone is that the updated device has a larger screen. There’s more on display than before, you might say.

The Duchess of Cambridge is in the headlines for a similar reason.

Now, some people have suggested the Duchess shouldn’t have been sunbathing topless in a private garden. They think she should cover herself at all times just in case she’s seen en deshabille by someone who isn’t Prince William. Maybe a thin layer of gold paint would suffice, rather like an Olympic letter box or the unfortunate Jill Masterson in ‘Goldfinger’.

Others say it’s an invasion of privacy, none of our business and is no more in the public interest than hiding a webcam in George Osborne’s bathroom or publishing Hannah Cockroft’s tax return. They say – and I’m in agreement with this group of people – that being famous doesn’t automatically make you a contestant in a ‘reality TV’ competition.

The truth is that neither Kate nor the new iPhone is remotely important in the grand scheme of things. Yes, the bigger issues of security, privacy, technology and communication are worth talking about… but getting excessively excited about a mobile phone and a half-naked woman? Not unless you’re a 14-year-old boy.

If the iPhone 5 offered time-travel, it would be worth discussing at length. If the photos of Kate had revealed the inner workings of a cyborg, newspapers could make a case for publishing them.

But these current reports are only about increasing sales, not about changing the world.

Anyway, that’s why I’m rather pleased the plasterer has switched off the electricity. It means I can get on with my work and not have this kind of trivia on my mind. Which, of course, it isn’t.

Right. Where was I?

First published on vivalewes.com 20th September 2012: http://vivalewes.com/