Everyone wants a pizza the action

I didn't study economics at college. Maths, physics and chemistry were my chosen subjects. All very logical. I'd walk through the corridors wearing my acid-spotted lab coat and carrying a copy of New Scientist, imagining I looked simultaneously studious and exciting. Probably contravening assorted safety recommendations as well. But I did have friends who studied economics. I particularly remember one of my contemporaries emerging shell-shocked from an A-level economics class. The tutor, having prepared his class for their exams, had just admitted that college-level economics didn't really work in the real world. That reassured me I'd made the right choice. Not only was physics consistent outside the classroom but 'Power equals Current times Voltage' still comes in handy for choosing a replacement fuse.

The reality of local economics - microeconomics, I think my student friend would have called it - struck me this week when I popped up to the shops. First, the bad news. The greengrocer's is closed and the fish & chip shop has been campaigning against the arrival of a pizza retailer. Now the good news. The butcher's started selling nice-looking veg and there's a pizza shop coming.

A sign in the greengrocer’s window says "Due to local competition we will no longer be trading". The words 'local competition' are underlined, just in case anyone misses the point. I’m not sure I’d be so willing to admit that other people were doing a better job than me. This seems as implausible as Michael Schumacher announcing "I'm slower than I used to be but was hoping the younger guys would let me overtake them occasionally".

The situation at the fish & chip shop is equally confused. Last time I was there, a group of young lads almost signed the anti-pizza petition before they realised it wasn't a campaign to encourage Domino's into the village. The chippy is happy with the Indian restaurant and the bakery but doesn’t want another outlet offering takeaway food. Apparently that’s the last straw. (Probably a cheese straw if the bakery’s involved).

I know, I know, I'm oversimplifying. The opening of a pizza franchise may see enough mopeds on our streets to look like a remake of Quadrophenia. But complaints against someone adding variety?  As my physics-loving role model from Star Trek might declare, that’s illogical.

Maybe that's what the college lecturer meant when he said A-level economics didn't work in the real world. Maybe it’s the theoretical version that makes much more sense. It certainly does to me. Mind you, I also think pizza and chips sounds rather appealing.

First published on vivalewes.com 18th October 2012: http://vivalewes.com/

The CSI Effect

"Funny people live in Ringmer", opines my mother from the safety of West Sussex. She seems to have forgotten I've chosen to make my home here. I shrug, a gesture that's completely lost down the telephone line.

Mum isn't simply spraying slander but is commenting on the errant local teacher who's recently been making headlines. During the search for this man and his teenage charge, a criminologist was interviewed about the possible techniques being used by the police.

Although detectives could try to locate fugitives through mobile phones and credit card usage, he said most people were aware of this due to the 'CSI Effect' - and therefore anyone looking to avoid discovery would try not to use either. What he didn't mention was that the CSI Effect is rooted in fantasy.

CSI, an abbreviation for Crime Scene Investigation, is one of my guilty pleasures. It's an American TV drama that focuses on the high-tech processes used to solve crimes; I like to think of it as Quincy for the 21st century. All that's missing is Jack Klugman and his hearse. However, CSI is as much science fiction as it is science fact. Real forensic science isn't as slick as those technicians on television might suggest. But we're all falling for it.

I'm reminded of Dallas, the 1980s TV series that's recently returned to our screens. When I watched the original episodes in the innocence of my youth, I really thought adults behaved like those caricatures. Greed, lying, affairs... that was normal, right? Wrong, of course. Dallas is no more a realistic portrayal of the oil and cattle ranching businesses than CSI echoes Saturday night at Lewes police station. You’ll also notice there's no Dallas Effect, with home-owners keeping a couple of Friesians in the garden and drilling an exploratory bore-hole by the shed. No-one ever went into medicine because they thought it would be like The Singing Detective. Six Feet Under was never seen as an exposé of the funeral trade. Yet we have a CSI Effect, where everyone's an expert in fictional criminology.

Mind you, if those transgressing the law believe in the CSI Effect, there's nothing to worry about. Criminals who fear being tracked will leave their mobile phones at home, never to receive the warning text message that says "COPS R ON UR TAIL". They'll run out of money as they flee justice. And they'll sell their guard dogs for fear of being identified via canine DNA.

Anyway, since Dallas I'm no longer taken in by television dramas. In fact, work and domestic chores leave little time for TV watching these days.

Talking of which, our resident teenager has just attracted my attention. One of our cats has left a dead mouse on the doorstep. I carefully draw a chalk outline round its tiny corpse and reach for my chemistry set.

First published on vivalewes.com 4th October 2012: http://vivalewes.com/