The snow man

Ask when a boy becomes a man and you're likely to receive a variety of answers that involve driving, voting, responsibility and drinking beer. We've identified a new indicator in our household... and it's come from the heavens. Cold weather had been predicted all week, so it was no surprise when the snow finally arrived last Friday. Our resident teenager provided regular forecasts from the internet as soon as he was home from college, then swaddled himself in scarves on Saturday and cheerfully walked through the snow to his part-time job. By Sunday night he was much less happy. "I'm bored with the snow", he moaned. "There's nothing to do". And so adulthood begins. On a personal note, it's the cold rather than the boredom that troubles me. My fingers turn blue, my face goes white and I need to stamp my feet to improve the circulation as I walk, which means I look rather like a tap-dancing zombie on ice.

I'm doing my best to stay warm, of course. I've heard you can lose 45% of your body heat through your head so I located my knitted bobble hat and wore it as I wandered up to the shops. Not only did I discover the 45% figure is an urban myth, I also learned you can lose 90% of your credibility through your hat. After a while I stopped answering people who either told me they'd found Wally or asked me where Big Ears was.

However, the snow reminded me about two major benefits of living in Ringmer. Firstly, our local butcher has a stockpile of frozen rabbits. Mind you, I imagine there isn't much extra freezing needed if they're caught at this time of year. Yes, I'll get by without my rabbit pie... but that's not necessary in these parts.

Then there are the grit lorries. Although no-one's ever discovered how a gritter driver gets to work in the snow, they always seem to manage. We’re lucky enough to have a colony of gritters (or is it a pride?) nestled in the centre of Ringmer. These magnificent beasts hide during daylight hours and only emerge at night to mark their territory with a glistening salty trail. "The gritters were out again today", announces the teenager with a level of enthusiasm usually only heard when David Attenborough is talking about gorillas. "Do the drivers take them home? That looks like a good job."

Perhaps snow isn't so boring after all.

First published on vivalewes.com 24th January 2013: http://vivalewes.com/

No New Year revolution

Welcome to 2013, the year after the year the world didn't end.

It was an odd thing, all that apocalyptic anxiety about the Mayan calendar last month. Apparently the Maya counted days using a system that ended on 21st December 2012, which prompted some people to anticipate a cataclysm. I wasn't convinced but then I've got a Casio digital watch with a 'universal calendar' until 2039. My biggest concern is remembering to put it on eBay in around 25 years’ time. Our resident teenager expected some form of zombie attack and spent most of the month preparing for it by battling reanimated corpses on his Xbox. Mind you, he still bought Christmas presents for us in case the undead didn't inherit the earth.

Although 2013 isn't going to be popular with many triskaidekaphobes - every Friday 13th will have an extra sting in the tail - I'm not especially bothered by the supernatural. In fact, I've been feeling positive enough to consider making a new year's resolution. Now, I ruled out any kind of health-related commitment pretty quickly. Jogging in the rain isn't fun. My nearest indoor fitness facility is Ringmer pool, which would be okay if I had Daniel Craig's swimming trunks. And his looks. Anyway, I've been known to run for the 28 bus. Even worrying that I'll miss the bus burns calories, doesn't it?

Then there's personal improvement. I considered a resolution about honesty but already believe it’s generally best to tell the truth. Offering fashion advice and receiving unwanted Christmas gifts are the usual exceptions I've discovered in recent weeks. "Yes, it suits you perfectly. How wonderful, I've always wanted one of those". Okay, I confess I haven't told various family members they sometimes appear in this very vivalewes.com column although neither have I been untruthful. I may occasionally employ hyperbole, pathos and a little incidental music to make a point... but I really do live in Ringmer with two cats, a non-fictional wife and a vampire hunter.

Ah yes, Ringmer. Much as I might try to convince my mother it's an upmarket suburb of Lewes - rather like South Kensington is to London or Beverly Hills is to the county of Los Angeles - we all know that's not the case. Korean pop-master Psy isn't coming here to record 'Ringmer Style'. (It would be similar to Gangnam Style but with fewer cars and more horse-riding). We're simply a village that's fortunate to have a parade of shops and an assortment of other local facilities. Therefore my resolution for 2013 is that I'll use them more than I did last year, making the most of what I’m lucky enough to have on my doorstep. We may not have the variety of retail outlets you'll find in Lewes... but that's hardly the end of the world, is it?

First published on vivalewes.com 10th January 2013: http://vivalewes.com/