Dreaming of a Short Christmas

Apparently coffee mega-retailer Starbucks has declared war on Christmas. This season’s takeaway cups are plain red, which some activists say is an attack on Christianity. However, it’s not the lack of festive decoration on the cups that troubles me. It’s their arrival eight weeks before Christmas.

Honestly, I’m not an anti-Christmas grouch. I’m merely an anti-Christmas-in-October-and-November campaigner, with a little bit of there’s-too-much-commercialism-these-days thrown in for extra flavour. Humbug flavour, of course.

For example, I love a bit of Nat King Cole; I just don’t want to hear about his roasting chestnuts when Hallowe’en pumpkins are still on sale. I’d like my Christmas to be focussed on innocent childhood wishes, the annual emergence of tissue-wrapped tree decorations, frosty mornings, sparkling tinsel and twinkling candles, not Coca-Cola’s illuminated truck and ironic retro-styled jumpers. In many ways I'm hoping for an updated Victorian Christmas, packed with plum puddings and candlelit carols but without the cholera and workhouse poverty. But what if this wasn’t a dream. What if it was the law?

Let me take you back to Thursday 12th November, when the village of Ringmer went to the polls. Don't worry, people of Lewes, you didn't miss out. Your polling cards weren't lost in the post. This one was just for us. You see, we voted in a referendum to determine whether we wanted Lewes District Council and the South Downs National Park Authority to use Ringmer's own 'neighbourhood plan' when ruling on planning applications. It was all about decentralisation: I’m told our 'yes' vote means we villagers will have more control over local development. Maybe we’re now only a small step from a second referendum vote that would give us full independence from our neighbours.

And come that day, we could choose to be the UK’s first village with legally-enforceable rules about Christmas. No longer would shops be permitted to sell jellied fruits in September or install their lustrous point-of-sale displays during British Summer Time. Instead, our festive preparation would begin 12 days before Christmas and would end exactly 12 days afterwards. Gifts would be restricted to those mentioned in traditional texts: toy drums, dolls, kiddie cars, gold rings, partridges, that kind of thing. Stockings, not pillowcases, would hang from fireplaces. And sales of cranberry sauce would be strictly rationed.

Or perhaps the citizens of this newly-liberated Ringmer wouldn’t be too bothered about how anyone celebrated the season as long as they were having fun. Actually, despite the occasional grumble, that’s definitely the choice I’d make. Goodwill to all. Fireworks, fairy lights, feasting… whatever you choose. Mine’s a skinny gingerbread latte with cream and extra sprinkles. But not before 13th December, please?

First published in Viva Lewes magazine issue 111 December 2015