I'm no John Simpson, sadly. I cannot claim much expertise on world affairs. Just as regrettably, I'm no Rageh Omaar, the journalist who became known as the 'scud stud' when the Iraq War started in 2003. It's a shame because I reckon an alliterative upbeat nickname - perhaps 'the Ringmer reporting Romeo' - would suit me. But, as so often happens, I'm digressing.
The last few weeks have seen an assortment of potentially world-changing events passing into history. The UK triggered Article 50 of the Treaty on European Union, marking a countdown to leaving the EU. Michael Howard suggested that our country could go to war with Spain. And the USA launched an attack against Syria, prompting a critical Russian response. (At the time of writing, nuclear conflict with North Korea is pending.) To top it all, my editor emailed me to say that this month's magazine would have an overall theme of 'going out'. The more I thought about it, the more it seemed a good idea for us Ringmerites to take this advice literally. It was time for Ringmer to go out, to declare independence from Lewes District, from East Sussex and from England. We could isolate ourselves from world events and enjoy a bucolic existence, erecting hay-bale barricades on the B2192 and issuing our own hand-knitted passports. But would this be a good idea - or would we be opening ourselves up to the risk of attack?
Yes, seriously. Our location and our natural resources would almost certainly make us an economic threat to those living down the hill in Lewes. Tired of drinking café cortado and eating sour-dough sandwiches, Lewesians might want to raid Ringmer's allotments for fresh fruit and vegetables. When Harvey's best bitter became too familiar, the Lewes warriors would be heading for Turners brewery. Our prized local landmarks, such as the sewage works, would become military targets. And we've got an undefended pond, too.
We villagers would be ready, naturally. The first wave of attackers would be repelled by frenzied geese from the Raystede sanctuary, where our fighting force would have been readied with a special sugary diet of stale doughnuts. Next, the gin-drinkers of Ringmer would use their collection of hedgerow-harvested sloes to pelt the incoming army. Pity the poor soldier that inadvertently swallowed one. And if any pecked, bruised, dry-mouthed fighters remained, we'd switch the Glyndebourne wind turbine into reverse and blow them back down the road.
Of course, all this conflict could be avoided with negotiations and some friendly cross-border arrangements. Instead of a battle, we should celebrate our heritage by having a traditional grumble and then hosting a celebratory street party that would match the joy of VE-Day. Come on, Lewes – you can provide the beer and the organic salad. And we'll promise not to invade.
First published in Viva Lewes magazine issue 128 May 2017
