Feline groovy

"Good morning, fatboy" says the teenager as he wanders downstairs for his breakfast. I'm tempted to reply with "It's not fat, it's loose skin" but instead I shrug and adopt an expression that suggests I don't understand. Well, I've been up half the night partying and would rather get back to my dream about goldfish. Oh, how I love goldfish. A bit like sushi, except livelier. Sorry, I'm being rude. I haven't introduced myself yet. Mark's busy this week so I thought I'd step in and lend a hand. A paw, really. I'm Rupert the cat.

I know what you're thinking. (No, honestly, I do. We cats are all telepathic). What's a cat going to write about? Much the same as your regular columnist, I'd say. Admittedly I don't see as much of Ringmer as he does - these days I've put away my cat-nav and limit my territory to the end of the street - but I still stay in touch via social media. Oh, how I love twittering. It's like hearing a dinner bell.

Anyway, as I was saying, Mark's tied up with other work. Not that I usually call him by his chosen name. To me he is The One With The Food. This grand title means he is accorded worship on the sofa most evenings. Humans will suggest it indicates affection. We cats know better.

So with my waiter and your writer distracted, I'm able to offer a few opinions about the local area. It's certainly a popular destination for single cats and mismatched cat couples. Not many feline families. I blame the folk down the road at Raystede for that. Yours truly popped in to visit their animal sanctuary when I was a kitten and left a few days later with the distinct sensation a couple of important components were missing. (Every so often I have a look underneath to see if it'll jog my memory. It doesn't.)

When it comes to retailing, we felines are well catered for in Ringmer. Cat-ered?  Pah, never mind. You'll find a cat convenience store (known by humans as the 'pet shop') and a cat healthcare centre ('v-e-t'). Various shops for people, too.

I can also confirm there's no rat problem in Ringmer. There's no mouse problem, either. There's not even a crunchy vole problem. All are found in adequate supply if you know where to look. (If you don't know where to look, try lurking by next-door's decking half-an-hour before sunrise).

Still, I've got to dash now. The old chap's returning to his computer. That means I need to stop dictating and must just sit on the keyboard nonchalantly. Yes, dictating. It has speech-recognition software. Well, how else did you think I could write all this?   Me. Ow.

First published on vivalewes.com 22nd August 2013: http://www.vivalewes.com/feline-groovy/

Pilot of the airwaves

Dearly beloved, I stand before you with my head hung low. There are things I have failed to do this week. Sins of omission, you might say. Becoming the new BBC Radio 2 'Pause for Thought' presenter was one of those things. Verily, it seemed a good idea at the time. All I had to do was write a two-minute religious reflection that would offer a thought for the day.

The 'Pause for Thought' contest was announced at the beginning of July, although I only heard about it three days before the competition ended on 5th August. A slight disadvantage but I reckoned this would help me focus on the challenge - which was (fortunately) not in the style of Big Brother or X-Factor but simply required me to write and record a thought-provoking message. "I could do that", I told myself.

To start with, everything ran very smoothly. I compiled a list of useful words from Victorian sermons, ensuring I would beseech my listeners to hold fast and hold forth to whatever it was I planned to tell them. Yea, and it was so. Unfortunately I then turned to the terms and conditions of the contest. One of the judging criteria was "Is the theological content in keeping with the basic tenets of the contributor’s stated faith position?"

Uh-oh. Not only did I need to decide what I believed in, I also needed to be consistent. This was going to be a problem.

Or was it?   Last month I visited the All Saints Centre in Lewes, which was a church until it was transformed into a community centre in 1980. (I was there to talk to the Lewes, Glynde and Beddingham Brass Band during one of their rehearsals; you'll find my interview on p25 of this month's Viva Lewes magazine unless my mother's collected all the spare copies, marked the page with a post-it note and given one to each of her friends). And only last week I took a short-cut through the churchyard in Ringmer.

I'd be the first to admit that those visits don't make me a regular churchgoer... but it did get me thinking. Much as I enjoy wandering round an old building, it's people who really constitute a church. I'd argue that churches are all about community rather than being places with a pointy roof - and it's people that matter. You could even say the All Saints Centre is as much a church today as it ever was.

Which, I suppose, is my 'stated faith position'. I like people and I like a good story. It's a bit vague, I know. It's also a bit late for the Radio 2 competition. Perhaps they'll run it again next year.

First published on vivalewes.com 8th August 2013: http://www.vivalewes.com/pilot-of-the-airwaves/