Seasonal sport

The phone rings. It's mum. There's a low level of exasperation in her voice, which makes me wonder whether she's been visiting the garden centre that can't make a decent cappuccino. But this isn’t the problem. "I've been putting Vaseline on the pole", she announces. "It's not slippery enough." I'm pretty certain mum doesn't have a part-time job cleaning the fire station. I'm reasonably confident she's not adopted a new way of keeping fit. I don't remember seeing any so-called Gentleman's Club within walking distance of the family home. The awkward pause prompts my mother to explain. "Squirrels have been climbing up the bird feeder", she tells me. "I can't have them stealing all the bird food."

As a result, mum's garden is designed to be a rodent assault course. Bird feeders are mounted on greased poles or suspended from springy wires, with food hidden in double-layer cages under a metal dome. I'm not convinced by all this. I reckon there's a possibility that mum is inadvertently training the next generation of squirrels to be ninja-smart. It's certainly a sporting challenge for all concerned. I'll be studying their progress with interest.

Mind you, we've already had our share of genuine local sporting challenges this year. Although Rooks supporters are breathing a sigh of relief at the end of an occasionally stomach-churning football season, it's been a disappointing time for the faithful at Ringmer FC's Caburn ground. A troubled season ended with a disastrous 8-0 defeat that left the first team heading for a drop into Division 2 of the Sussex County Football League. Well, that's where they would be if the Sussex County Football League still existed. Instead, from the end of May, it's been transformed into the Southern Combination Football League. I'd be prepared to argue that it's not relegation if you're starting the next season in a brand-new league. Pioneers, not victims.

And some of our local footballers are sill playing. In fact, many of the youngest are preparing for a major tournament. It happens during the weekend of Sat 13 and Sun 14, it's hosted by the Ringmer Rovers Junior Football Club and it takes place on the well-appointed sports field of Ringmer Community College. Hundreds of visitors are expected for what's now the eighth annual Summer Football Festival. I'm told there will be tea, coffee, cake, ice creams and a barbecue... so everyone wins, I reckon. Alternatively, if you like outdoor sport but football's not really your game, Ringmer Cricket Club has an assortment of teams catering for various ages and abilities. Better still, the club’s picturesque home on the village green is enhanced by a pavilion that contains a bar. On a sunny afternoon, there's every chance I can be persuaded to enjoy a pint on their balcony. In pole position, you might say.

First published in Viva Lewes magazine issue 105 June 2015.