Spies Like Us

According to the papers, it seems the American government - and possibly civil servants here in the UK - may have been reading my email and discovering which web sites I've visited. On one hand I'm not too bothered about the reality of this. My online activity is either work-related (boring, so our resident teenager tells me) or entertainment (slightly embarrassing, given my fondness for dystopian sci-fi and 1980s music). On the other hand, I'm less happy about the underlying assumption that I'm potentially guilty unless proven innocent. Anyway, if I wanted information about bomb-making I wouldn't search online; I'd borrow my wife's library ticket instead.

I'm also troubled by the apparent incongruity in the decision to charge 'whistleblower' Edward Snowden with espionage after he revealed the US security service was spying on just about everyone. If there was an Interpol of Irony, they'd currently be making arrests at the highest levels of government.

But all this has got me thinking about the many benefits of living here in Ringmer. There's been a lot of talk recently about people living 'off grid' to avoid being tracked by surveillance... and I reckon this village is a good place to choose. To start with, it's easier to get here than flying to Moscow. The 28 bus from Lewes runs every half hour and is happy to accept cash payments, so there's no worry about being tracked through your credit card receipts.

Being monitored via mobile phone calls can be a concern in some cases. Less so in Ringmer, where we're blessed with many mobile black spots depending on your chosen network. I reckon you could avoid receiving incriminating text messages for weeks just by hanging around at the back of the chip shop. And if you want to be completely self-sufficient, you can rent an allotment next to the electricity sub-station.

Yes, Ringmer is a perfect safe haven. If you’d like to become totally anonymous, it's the place to be. What could this mean to the free world? I need some time to think about my plan to promote Ringmer as the new Ecuador, so I head to the pub. As I arrive at the bar, I'm greeted with "Your usual, Mark?"

Oh dear. Perhaps it's not as anonymous around here as I thought.

First published on vivalewes.com 27th May 2013: http://www.vivalewes.com/spies-like-us/

Too good for words

Last week I went on holiday, complete with wife and family, to the fishing town of Padstow in Cornwall. As I sat by the edge of the harbour with a Cornish pasty, a logo on the paper bag reminded me that my lunch was actually a product with Protected Geographical Indication status across Europe.

That meant, amongst other things, it had to be made in Cornwall otherwise it couldn't legally be called a Cornish pasty. It needed to be D-shaped and crimped along one side, not with the crimping on the top like a stegosaurus or a Klingon warrior. Inside I could expect to find beef, potato, swede, onion but no other vegetables – begone, carrot! – nor any artificial additives. And indeed I didn’t.

Clotted cream and sardines also have similar protection in Cornwall. This got me thinking about some East Sussex delicacies. Our local bakery in Ringmer produces the Jack & Jill bun, which doesn't just contain fruit but is topped with icing and jam as well. Down in Lewes there are the fritters in Laporte's, a Bill's breakfast, the salads at the Buttercup Cafe, lemon drizzle cake at The Needlemakers, products at the Farmers' market... all these deserve wider recognition, I reckon.

For a while I thought about starting a campaign to turn Ringmer and Lewes into one of those protected areas for agriculture and food. Soon the whole world would know about the high quality of our local delicacies.

However, there's a catch. You see, although true Cornish pasties need to be made in Cornwall, they don't need to be baked there. They can be assembled within the county and then cooked somewhere else.

And that's why I think we should keep quiet about the benefits of Lewes and its surrounding villages. If we don't, there'll be Jack & Jill buns for sale around the globe. Our special treats won't be special any more. So the next time you buy particularly good local food, make sure you leave the shop cursing loudly. It'll drive the foodies away... and it'll be our own secret sign of appreciation.

First published on vivalewes.com 13th May 2013: http://www.vivalewes.com/too-good-for-words/