There’s no place like moan

I've recently been reminded of my last day at middle school when, as a budding 11-year-old documentary maker, I borrowed dad's cassette tape recorder and asked my teacher to speak some words of wisdom that I could remember him by. "Never trouble trouble 'til trouble troubles you", said Mr Kelly. I recall the moment well, even though my documentary-making career never really took off and I can't find the tape any more. When I think about it, those words could almost be the family motto. If mother had a coat of arms mounted on the wall in place of the kitchen clock, that phrase would be neatly lettered in Latin above a golden shield held by two Jack Russells Rampant.

Another essential family expression is 'mustn't grumble'. This one, unlike the former, isn't to be taken literally. On the contrary, it's usually only added after a minor complaint. "That Dirty Biker should never have been allowed on Strictly. Still, mustn't grumble." Yes, mum’s a fan of the BBC's Strictly Come Dancing despite not always knowing who everyone is. It's watched enthusiastically with notes taken for reference later. But I digress. Sometimes a longer story will involve the occasional use of “well, that was alright” (when it clearly wasn’t alright) to build tension until the conclusion is reached. “I couldn’t find a parking space at first but then somebody moved – well, that was alright – and then the dentist was late back from lunch. Still, mustn’t grumble.”

However, my favourite is ‘it won’t kill you’. Admittedly it’s rarely used these days but I’d hear this fairly regularly as a child. Splinters removed with needles, food that was dropped on the floor and then rinsed under the tap, foul-tasting medicine... all were heralded with “don’t fuss, it won’t kill you.” And, d’you know what? Mum was absolutely right. I am living proof that none of those things my mother reassured me about were deadly. Of course, that’s not to say they weren’t deeply unpleasant. Still, mustn’t grumble.

First published on vivalewes.com 14th November 2013: http://www.vivalewes.com/theres-no-place-like-moan/