Twin piques

A couple of months ago Switzerland was attacked by an invading force from the east of France. Not in reality, you'll be relieved to hear, but as part of a training exercise for the Swiss army. This would be an excellent opportunity for me to joke about the troops removing stones from their horses' hooves with Swiss Army Knives... but I won't. You see, I've just checked my own penknife and it doesn't have that multipurpose fold-out spike. Instead there's a ballpoint pen, a nail file and a pair of scissors alongside the various blades, which suggests it's more of a Swiss Army Administrative Support Tool. Or perhaps it suggests I'm no Ray Mears.

Anyway, these military manoeuvres got me thinking. The wargame imagined that an economic crisis had broken France up, prompting one region to invade in a search for 'stolen money'. But what if the same happened in East Sussex?   What if a mercenary force from Lewes tried to seize the strategic assets of Ringmer?

No, seriously. Our location and natural resources could make us an economic threat. Tired of drinking coffee and eating cup cakes, Lewesians might want to raid Ringmer's allotments for fresh fruit and vegetables. When Harveys best bitter became too familiar, the Lewes warriors would be heading for Turners brewery on the B2192. And we've got an undefended pond, too.

We villagers would be ready, naturally. The first wave of attackers would be repelled by frenzied geese from the Raystede sanctuary, where they'd have been readied with a special sugary diet of stale doughnuts. Next, the gin-drinkers of Ringmer would use their collection of hedgerow-harvested sloes to pelt the incoming force. Pity the poor soldier that inadvertently swallowed one. And if any pecked, bruised, dry-mouthed fighters remained, we'd switch the Glyndebourne wind turbine into reverse and blow them down the road.

Of course, all this conflict could be avoided with negotiations and some friendly cross-border arrangements. Earlier this month Lewes celebrated its twin town partnership with Waldshut-Tiengen by staging two days of entertainment... but I'd like to suggest a new sibling that's closer to home. A sibling with untested military might. One with shared interests but a different demographic. Yes, I’m thinking of Ringmer. So, come on, Lewes - it's time for a twinning ceremony. You provide the beer and the organic salad. And we'll promise not to invade.

First published on vivalewes.com 17th October 2013: http://www.vivalewes.com/twin-piques/